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Observatory Mansions

by Nicole Dollanganger

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1.
time scurries away from us like field mice out through the holes in our walls lost to the dark night heal me up again everything i love gathers dust inside my chest and all the love lost was the love that i kept in coffins and boxes, a museum of the dead it’s time i let go, let the darkness claim them heal me up again heal me up again carved out of chalk out of wax, out of wood saints, dolls and angels in pews they all stood they said it’s time to give all that i’ve found it’s time to give it back to the ground and one day they will knock the buildings down like vomit our ghosts will all spill out
2.
Rampage 03:28
i hear him screaming like late night white trash TV stations black combat boots pacing in through the school building he’s gonna fight the good fight, the noble war yeah my baby has a baby but it’s not me it’s an AK47 semi-automatic gun and he loves her more than he loves me gunslinger, black duster, delusions of a western he wears his hat on backwards, sets fire to his locker i’ll bet you’ve never seen the smile of savage-springfield 67H with his blurry face and cracked voice gone through VHS tapes
3.
Creek Blues 04:25
pills eat through you like acid burning holes through your head, your mind, your bones and enamel handcuffed to the bed like you’re an animal i don’t even recognize you anymore try to put you down like an old dog to sleep cut your branches off but you’re a dying tree the doctors came and pulled the sheet up over your head you’re already dead you just don’t know it yet you are sick and i hate you and love you for it you’re a wreck but i’m always going to want you i hate to see the knife always under your arm alone at night, cutting up neighborhood dogs you snuck me to your daddy’s bedroom, showed me all his guns you said, “careful or you’ll blow your head off make sure the safety’s on” leaving things to die in the mud at the creek pumping shotgun slugs out into the trees you run your fingers on the wood and feel its bullet holes it gives you something i could never give you or ever really know you are sick and i hate you and love you for it you’re a wreck but i’m always going to want you i don’t want to know what you’ve done or what you think about doing i don’t want to know so don’t tell me
4.
he casts the kind of glow only a city knows light creeping into the coffin of these sleepy suburban homes he’s so alive in the places everyone here has a hole bury myself in the front lawn hope he’ll come dig up my bones streets here are cemeteries they feel alive when they’re dead he wakes up all of the skeletons every time i look at him he reminds me beautiful things can come from something ugly flowers grow amongst the weeds good things have come from nothing he casts the kind of glow only a city knows he’s so alive in the places everyone here has a hole
5.
restlessness leads to a dangerous kind of fun start small with swiss army knives and water guns criss cross apple sauce spiders running up your back put your arms around my neck i’ll only go to sleep for a second skin a cat to keep its soul 9 lives to last us a few nights more sell your sister’s body to the man next door mix a batch and hit it puke all over the floor
6.
my bedroom smells like rotten food and i guess so do i it’s harder to be good in here than it is to starve and die i’d give my body to satan if i could only keep my soul but i can’t seem to find the split between them anymore my hair is falling out again and i don’t really care i try to stir my conscience it was never really there your fingers up inside of me feel like fingers down my throat everything is fine in heaven but i’ll never get to know make sacrifice in bathtubs and stained bed covers soak all of my clothes in holy water and drown them like a crying son drown them like a crying daughter praying in the night to the angels of porn nails in their wrists, knees on the floor great lakes full of cum extracted from everyone
7.
we broke into dreamland just so we could have one more day there but i could not stand to see it in such sad disrepair he wanted to hold me in the roller coaster carts sunken into the ground all i could think about was how much i wanted to burn it all down he tried to tell me things get abandoned it’s okay for them to rot i told him that we should find some gasoline he said we’d better not we broke into dreamland to find the parts of us that we left behind but i could not stand the smell of death when everything was still alive if only i could pull out the clown’s teeth take them home to keep with me euthanize the carousel ponies put the park out of its misery
8.
all the pets i’ve buried just wanted me to know sometimes it’s ok to let a good thing go wrap you in yarn and grass embalm you with milk lay you to rest in cardboard lined with silk wild fires have been eating you inside of my head trying to smoke you out or burn you alive in it this time please just stay dead this living room memorial doesn’t bear a name i guess i can’t blame you but i hate you all the same i wear your homemade tattoos all over my skin you put your cigarettes out on me they’re still sinking in
9.
when i get a little scared of losing my teeth and losing my hair you say, "don't be scared, my friend death is a beginning, not an end"

about

all recorded in my bedroom/bathroom

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released January 10, 2014

written & composed by nicole dollanganger

album title taken from edward carey's wonderful novel.

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Nicole Dollanganger Nutley, New Jersey

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